Just plain me

So I just got back from my first shift in birthsuite for the semester.

It’s now semester 2, year 2, and I’m officially half-way to being a midwife. Or as I like to say, I’m a half-midwife.

But todays shift wasn’t exactly the greatest. In fact, to put it bluntly, it was terrible. And surprisingly , it actually wasnt anybody else who made it terrible. It was me. I just felt out of the loop. Like things were just not clicking in my brain. What is wrong with me? I’m meant to be in my second year now.

I guess I should consider that it probably had something to do with the fact that I woke up with a terrible cold this morning, and forced myself to come to the shift, even though my brain felt like mush. And it didn’t help that I was also quite nervous to come back to the hospital in the first place, since it has been 6 weeks. But still, I didn’t feel right. I was probably putting unnecessary pressure on myself to make sure i ” live up to the title of being a half-midwife”. For some reason, I just got it in my brain that I really need to step up.

You see, I want to be the best midwife that I can possibly be. I don’t want to do anything half-heartedly or just skip things i don’t understand, because I know that this will be my job, and I need to be good at it. This is something I love and I take it seriously. Not just for myself and the fact that I will one day be getting payed. But it’s for the women. They need me. They need good midwives. But today I felt like I was a first-year student again. I was the old, insecure, 17year old me again. The girl who, a year ago, couldn’t even bring myself to talk to pregnant women. And I didn’t like that me.

Maybe i just need to put it down as simply having a bad day. But I guess the issue is, I’m worried im not up to scratch. Like when I compare myself to other students, I feel a little behind with where I am up to and what my ability is. And I hate that because this job means so much to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not worried that I can’t support women and build a rapport with them. In fact, that is my favourite part of the job. I love and treasure the relationships I have managed to develop with certain women over the past year. The feeling that I get knowing that they trust and rely on me reassures me I’m not doing so badly. After all, the woman’s opinion matters more to me than anyone.

But it’s my clinical skills that I don’t feel so confident about. I just have trouble grasping the tehnical things. Eg. Pathophysiology of pregnancy complications, reading pathology reports,knowing different medications, learning how to tie a suture knot… All of these things freak me out a little. The list goes on and it worries me.

I am trying my hardest to study these things so I am not behind.But it doesn’t seem to working. I really hope something clicks soon… But maybe I’m being too hard on myself. I guess I have to remind myself that I am still only half way through the course and there is still much more time to learn. I know how passionate I am about midwifery, and I would never want to let anything stop me from reaching that goal. I never want to stop being excited about midwifery, because it’s a beautiful and privileged profession.

When I think about it though, I guess I have still come a long way, considering I used to think that a baby grew inside the placenta when I first started last year ( how was I meant to know? I don’t have kids!!!) So I’m just going to keep persisting with my brain untill one day, the penny drops!! Can’t wait!